The Waking Hour

Nocturnal Prelude:  Despair

 

The pain never stops

They’re always screaming for more

I want to give in

 

I’ve hurt for so long

My very mind torments me

Make it go away

 

My soul wants to break

This disease eats me apart

Help me wash it clean

 

Life was so damn hard

Can’t believe it came to this

Rob me of all hope

 

A new love reborn

Wicked voodoo in my heart

I feel so alive

 

I’m dying tonight

Angels will take me away

A place with no tears

 

Will you remember?

Who I am or who I’ll be

Can’t forget the pain

 

Mirrors lied to me

I see nothing is the same

Where do I belong?

 

Torment holds me down

The hooks dug into my back

Dragging me under

 

The weight of sorrow

Too much pain behind the eyes

Will you hold my hand?

 

Inject the horror

Don’t want to see anymore

I will curse the day

 

Divine I am not

We waste our humanity

Destroying ourselves

 

This is not my life

Is this how you pictured it

With no redemption

 

Living without hope

Got someone to call my own

Live another day

 

Killing me inside

The lust of sin takes control

Just give me a taste

 

Slice open the wrist

Did anyone ever care?

The blessed nightmare

 

They think I’m evil

Looking at me with cold eyes

They will never know

 

Broken fingernail

Pointing at the broken heart

Down the broken face

 

You’re too dead to see

What lies beneath the surface

A cold waiting Hell

 

Pick the scabs to show

Heavy weight of all mankind

Pull it back to hide

 

Feel the pain again

It’s always there to remind

How fragile my soul

 

If I could hold you

The pain would just fade away

To die for a touch

 

Helpless are we all

We can not fight off the flies

Eating out our brains

 

So thoughtless of joy

How did I ever forget

What made the world turn

 

I heard you crying

God, why was I made this way?

You’re crying to die

 

I marked my own flesh

Carvings of a dark pumpkin

Soft under the eyes

 

The hate is rising

The ashes are burning me

Cleansing the despair

 

I want to forget

I never wanted to know

How ugly I am

 

Cursed to never know

Shaking hands with the devil

I am at my end

 

Why do I go on?

This life has brought me nothing

But fear in myself

 

Who will die with me?

Who will tell me I’m all right?

Sleeping with more lies

 

Do you fear my hand?

Afraid of what I might do

Are you listening?

 

Golden age of Christ

What God did dare to make me

The sleeping demon

 

The world means nothing

To a man with a broken

Heart of crying pain

 

Do you remember?

The words that sent me drowning

Can’t breath without faith

 

What games do you play?

Kill the mind of the fallen

Puzzle for your soul

 

The bloody rivers

Crying for another swim

You feel my despair

 

Can you see the crack?

So many masks to discard

No one wants me now

 

Would I find love soon?

Could I just please feel again

Never was the man

 

Lying face down in

The pit of darkness; I’m so

Lost to see the truth

First Night:  Fathoms

 

Rose like a hunger

Something I needed to feel

I couldn’t argue

 

The pain had drawn back

My old feelings could not rest

A new drug to love

 

What once made me see

Made me into something worse

I’d rather not see

 

The scars will remind

Me of the monster I was

Just leave me alone

 

How will I ever

Know who I’m supposed to be

You will forget me

 

I know nothing and

You know nothing about me

Who knows anything

 

So I wanted to

See past the river of death

Couldn’t find the boat

 

I laid down to dream

The nightmares came so easy

Sleep was all I had

 

What demon would push

The thorn deeper into my

Forgotten black heart

 

The stitches of space

How deep does my mind collide

With another dream

 

Nightmares come and go

Just like prayers and whispered

Words give to deaf

 

I close my eyes and

The blackness consumes my soul

Dark enough to cry

 

Mind ripping apart

The cosmic stream of sand falls

On scars sown by fate

 

Even in sleep I

Fear the shadows that follow

Even until death

 

I close my eyes to

See the walls fall to pieces

Shelter me no more

 

The sleeping beauty

My words fall short of pride and

No one hears my dream

 

Trapped in a shell that

Conspires against my soul

Nothing left to trust

 

My thoughts poor forth the

Ink that fathoms my own cell

The prison of faith

 

I began to change

Into a beast unseen by

Those who love the most

 

Sleep was a way out

The sheets a haven for pain

That melted away

 

The starvation of

The sandman and his children

Made frighteningly real

 

Out of darkness they

Became hungry for my soul

Death was but a dream

 

How deep could I sink

Buried under a blanket

The light fades away

 

Who will hear my speak

While I wander in the dark

No words could condemn

 

Breathe in the sand and

Smell hopelessness in the air

Fall deep in a void

 

I’ve got no control

Over things behind closed eyes

Visions that smother

 

I don’t want to wake

Too many fears to behold

I don’t want to see

 

Sleep grabs me by the

Throat and drags me under with

All demons asleep

 

I saw them with a

Knife that had my name on it

Call for purity

 

They don’t even have

Faces that I can scream at

My security

 

I saw suicide

Written in blood on a wall

Prophecy of doom

 

Sleeping like dead whores

Screwed just to get a small taste

Sleep in bloody beds

 

My soul drips sorrow

No one can see inside my

Torn and broken heart

 

What manner of Hell

Is this that you try to show

Behind sown shut eyes

 

The pain stings like a

Needle that rusted with age

Stuck in the blind eye

 

The curtain has closed

No one wants to see the pain

Walk into the night

 

Demons play their games

But I sleep the time away

No rest for wicked

 

My pillow holds a

Secret that I can’t contain

Death could not attain

 

I’ve been sleeping for

Too long and I don’t want to

Ever face the world

 

I’ll be asleep for

So long I want remember

These dark words of dreams

Second Night:  Chapel

 

Broken glass on the

Wall of forgotten lost dreams

My glass piece fell last

 

My mind shattered the

Silence in the darkest place

Can you feel the space?

 

What lies between the

Truth that will never reveal

Lies of our father

 

In the world of dreams

There is no savior to call

Only Death can save

 

How does it feel to

Be hated by your own kind?

Where’s the sympathy

 

The nightmare started

Everything inside ended

It all became clear

 

How will the night end?

I came here wanting much more

The devastation

 

The Christian woman

Will smoke away her last breath

No one can save her

 

I saw all these things

Haunting me in my troubled

Time of desire

 

They were standing in

A Chapel made of pure glass

No one said a word

 

But I walked in and

Everyone looked up at me

Their eyes were hollow

 

I wanted to speak

But the Chapel would shatter

So I spoke with pain

 

They formed a circle

The ground started to rattle

They prayed for my soul

 

The dream shifted and

Filtered out the endless noise

No one wanted me

 

Outside the Chapel

Children gathered around a

Tree of severed hands

 

They chanted remorse

The hands that had beaten them

Will hurt them no more

 

I cried for them to

Hold me and take away the

Evil in my head

 

But they were not made

Of forgiveness and helping

Me would be a crime

 

The altar bled gray

They washed their feet in the hope

They would walk on God

 

Never satisfied

They beg for a closer look

Saw my reflection

 

I couldn’t hold it

I had seen the demon hide

My lungs begged for it

 

I screamed with all the

Shame I had carried so long

They turned their dead heads

 

The Chapel made of

Glass crumbled under the black

Sun of misery

 

The Mass screamed with fear

I showed them the evil in

My abandonment

 

The Children cried for

Their handless mothers who had

Nothing to pray with

 

The Mass now knew fear

What they thought was real wasn’t

Anything but dreams

 

All shattered on the

Ground for the Sandman to keep

Do I see a smile?

 

Angels came to sing

They were naked before me

What sights they beheld

 

My scream had risen

Them from the colorless dawn

They sang a death tune

 

The Children painted

My face white for desire

My mouth black as night

 

My arms spread out to

Embrace the destruction in

My world of lost dreams

 

They would cry for days

Wanting the pleasure they once

Had to embellish

 

Looking back now I

Remember seeing the lust

In their empty eyes

 

The angels flew near

Around the Fallen Chapel

Songs did not comfort

 

Was I the man to

Set them free from their bound ways

Maybe just a lie

 

Soon I knew it would

Be the dawn of a new day

The sand would lift up

 

The Mass made a place

To put their Children to bed

They would sleep with knives

 

I would leave this place

Forsaken by a hidden

Dream inside a dream

 

The Chapel broken

Crumbled so they could be free

So I could awake

 

My bed stirred with life

My pillow wet with endless

Desires for dreams

Third Night:  Graveyard

 

They left me here to

Die by the force of nature

My grave had been dug

 

My eyes grew heavy

The day gave away to the

Night of old pity

 

What world would I cross?

My mind just a fragment of

Matter whisked away

 

My heart slowed its pace

The Master of Sleep took me

In forgiving arms

 

The darkness rose in

The shell of another realm

I see behind pain

 

I would reach the stars

A place where no god could touch

A home on the moon

 

I once had a fear

That I would enter a world

Of never waking

 

But I closed my eyes

Allowing the demons to

Sink into my skull

 

In a dark place I

Fell into the grace of an

Angel unlike none

 

Raped of all feelings

She knew how to make me feel

Take away the eyes

 

Her wings of golden

Purity of a new flight

What wonders she held

 

Cursed with a cancer

My greatest fear made real to

Drag me under Hell

 

Was she a sign of

A dead prophecy made real?

Cascading the truth

 

Her flesh caressed me

Piercing the boundaries of pain

Feelings beyond lust

 

In a prayer we

Made ourselves known to the gods

Paying a great price

 

She told me of worlds

Unseen by the human eye

She told me of love

 

My heart raced with fear

She held my head up and kissed

My broken lips wet

 

The world faded gone

Found myself in a graveyard

The despair rose quick

 

Around thousands dead

I would make no excuses

Who would judge them now?

 

I felt right at home

Among those who lived no more

Were they my brethren?

 

I saw the graves of

My old enemies who had

Forsaken me so

 

I could not rejoice

Deep down they still lived in my

Greatest of nightmares

 

I came to the graves

Of lovers once known to me

Nothing to me now

 

The angel came to

My side and held my pale hand

Never quite alone

 

They were all dead now

Forever forgotten by

The bright world of men

 

We moved on to more

Tombstones made by my demons

Bleeding their evil

 

The void in my soul

Couldn’t digest the painful

Memories bled back

 

Hollow from looking

Burning from lying on threads

Trying not to look

 

Below the dark depths

Buried in the ground from life

Where the dead did lurk

 

They moved from their sleep

Slept so long in the below

Awaken by fear

 

The fear that enraged

The boiling point had been reached

They knew who I was

 

They knew about me

They cried for my painted face

Could give them no hope

 

They talked of my path

Tales of the fallen chapel

Reached them down below

 

They spoke the dead truth

One day I would be among

Rotting with the worms

 

Speaking without lips

Their words came from cavities

I couldn’t listen

 

They wanted to feel

The fresh flesh of one alive

I denied them dreams

 

After they spoke truth

Words that I heard as false hope

Pick lies from my ears

 

The angel warned me

Her naked flesh shinned in death

The truth would hurt me

 

Going back below

The dead would haunt me no more

Their words left a scar

 

The angel guided

I went back to cold comfort

Sleep, the only truth

Fourth Night:  Reflections

 

Danger in sensing

To know the evil around

You don’t want to see

 

The evil in me

I saw the purity gone

What had I become?

 

Always sleep too much

Why did the Sandman drag me?

Lost in worlds of thought

 

I knew my demon

I saw him in the mirror

Just behind closed eyes

 

In the wars I fought

Each one making a piece dead

Do you know my pain?

 

Every night I search

Wanting to beg myself more

My humanity

 

I call out God’s name

Will you fix me, Jehovah?

Bandages are loose

 

Dripping with the sin

Is this how I see myself?

A pitiful soul

 

Sleep is a cancer

Justice of pain is a dream

Never really knew

 

My bed the altar

My prayer is to awake

In a world less felt

 

Eternal in sleep

The horror to never know

What dreams do I hold?

 

Speaking with the sand

Blowing away all kept fears

Blow out of God’s hands

 

Reckless sanity

Wasted on time not well spent

Deadly games we play

 

Washing down the drain

My painted face reveals more

Once all has gone down

 

Fire in my eyes

My face reveals the war’s age

Timeless depression

 

Thoughts written in blood

See myself but look away

Mirror enemy

 

Will sleep bring the light?

It’s an addiction to feel

Burning the senses

 

So I pray and lay

Hoping for just one moment

Inner peace a joke

 

You think you know me

I don’t even know myself

Tell me who I am

 

Through the dark I rise

Through dreams and nightmares alike

Rising above pain

 

Mirror shows me truth

Truth I didn’t want to see

But I look again

 

Is this possible?

To be both man and monster

The sight rushes forth

 

Reflecting the past

Just want to see the future

How did it happen?

 

Living with disease

The poison consumes my soul

Pills to save the day

 

A child cries for help

Beg to God for salvation

Only see shadows

 

Is this your big dream?

To see me suffering now

The fruit of torture

 

You want me to see?

You want me to listen more?

All I hear is lies

 

So I stop and look

My path has been so twisted

How did it begin?

I’m looking for God

A path to call my own way

Will I die this way?

 

My blind reflections

Now walking on holy ground

I put faith in You

 

Dreading every word

This poetry drives me mad

My mind the abyss

 

Do you call my name?

I’m starting to look like you

Yet still so different

 

In complete darkness

It was made ever so clear

This was not my dream

 

I wanted to feel

Please, just let me hold her hand

I want to know love

 

The cutting has stopped

I have moved on to beating

Eating out my brain

 

The mirror will smash

Pieces will give new meaning

Just a mind’s razor

 

Tired of looking

With no mask to hide behind

I see no way out

 

My fist bleeds again

Blood runs down the rusty sink

Running far away

 

I would cry rivers

But my eyes weren’t made that way

Holding onto you

 

In my reflections

I saw the monster inside

And of course I smiled

Fifth Night:  The Hour

 

Delivered evil

Right to the door of my heart

Look away dark child

 

All my life I’ve fought

Fought to feel the hard outside

But I feel the cold

 

I want you to know

Exactly how bad this feels

Your tongue bleeds red lies

 

And as I’m dying

I can still see you laughing

Come and suck me dry

 

And as I’m crying

I still see that crooked smile

Just go blow yourself

 

I will see you go

Down to the horrible place

Watch you fry tonight

 

You misled dead faith

Did you want to believe me?

No, you don’t realize

 

This nightmare is yours

I’m giving you the glass eye

Swallow deep and hard

 

And you’ll be dead soon

Your own ignorance killed you

You’re dying slowly

 

Not telling the truth

I hope your tongue gets caught there

Press the mute button

 

Below the abyss

I found your mother fucking

Gave birth to a bitch

 

Come out and fight me

You don’t believe in a god

You waste of good flesh

 

I hate you always

With fake smiles and pretty drugs

The doorway to Hell

 

Lying in ashes

The apple in Adam’s eye

The snakes desire

 

Trapped in virtual

Reality to deceive

Whispers in the night

 

Can’t breathe in the bad

Carried away by black suits

Darkness fades to warmth

 

Violence leads the way

Buried deep beneath the waste

Find a home for you

 

Shallow in the eyes

I’ve seen everything that dies

You’re the first to go

 

Drawing blood for fun

You love to taste filthy blood

Dirty lips that bleed

 

Spread your legs for God

He could taste the purity

Is there any left?

 

Falling down the hole

This rabbit has got a gun

Bullets in Alice

 

If you even cared

Would you still forsake my life?

You have expired

 

It was just a drug

Would you like to hold the nail?

Only hurts at first

 

Drowning in your spit

You’re already said too much

Can’t rip out your tongue

 

You are so jaded

Belated apologies

Your world has faded

 

Just lay down and squeal

You’re nothing more than a joke

Just shut up and beg

 

I was so in love

With your world of promises

You shattered that lie

 

Something pure and new

Wasted on a whore like you

Do not speak to me

 

Your face speaks enough

I remember this nightmare

Every night in life

 

Do you fear the truth?

You run from this place so fast

You’re alone at night

 

And I’m there waiting

Three bullets and a pawned gun

Now pain in three holes

 

You will realize now

You are the mind numbing cold

And I have the cure

 

Crying down makeup

Ruined all that beautiful

Smeared your life away

 

You were once my friend

Something less and something more

But what are you now?

 

With a hollow heart

The whole world seemed your playground

But I brought the toys

 

Sad sadistic sleep

The only lover I’ll need

When the whole world sleeps

 

Rot to my decay

This hate letter ends my day

Welcome night’s rapture

 

Hour to awake

When all nightmares become real

You will know my name

 

And all you have left

Is the cold embrace of death

Sleep brutality

 

But I am awake

The Heavens shall fear my wrath

May God have mercy